26-year-old nanny and teacher considers whether or not to tell the family she has been working with for over 10 years why she is leaving, or whether to quietly distance herself from the problematic household: 'I couldn’t handle the way they acted anymore'

This nanny shared her experience working for this family during summers and breaks. Starting at 17 as a high schooler, and then when she was home from college while she was studying for her teaching degree. Now she is a full-duty teacher, but still watches them in the summer, and she is finding that unmanageable.

And if a teacher is finding your children to be unmanageable or too difficult to deal with, then there is a real problem there. Teachers deal with such a high number and a wide range of kids. Each with a range of different backgrounds, behaviors, and difficulties, so they know a thing or two. They have quite literally seen it all. But there are certain things that no one but a parent can deal with, and when the parents are unwilling to deal with them then what is there to be done.

That's where she is finding herself with this family now.

While she has worked with the children since she was 17-years-old, as the children have gotten older they have become more difficult. She has found them to be increasingly poorly behaved. Now, 10 years into watching them, the teens and preteens that she finds herself responsible are unmanageable. Having constant arguments and even throwing insults at her. This has made them almost impossible to control and stressful to watch.

After returning home for a short period and caring for them again, she saw an escalation of this behavior that she wasn't comfortable with. This has left the now-young woman wondering whether or not it's time to move on from the family and whether she would be wrong for doing so.

She received some pretty sound advice as to what to do from readers of this original thread, which can be seen below.

"WIBTA if I tell the family I’ve been nannying for 10 years, why I won’t come back?"

Story / Public-Cheesecake270

First, some context. I (26F) have worked for this family since I was 17. I went to college and came home in the summers and over school breaks to nanny them. I got a teaching degree and I agreed to still watch them over summers.

Our summers have always been filled with beach days, library trips, ice cream, play dates, etc. etc. I grew very close with the family and the kids. Both kids were even in my wedding.

This year was the first summer I am not full time with them, simply because I couldn’t handle the way they acted anymore after last summer. However, I lied and told the family that with moving/buying our house, going back to school to get my masters, and working summer school at the high school just left me no time to be full time with them this year.

Plus, they are 13 and 11 now, so I feel like there should be less need for a full time nanny. While all of this is technically true, I didn’t tell them the real reason I wasn’t returning.

A tiny bit about me, I worked at the on-campus daycare for all 4 years in college. I have nannied and babysat for many families for many years. I teach high school English and am going into my 5th year of teaching. I’ve also been a coach for 2 years now at the same high school.

I have met many, many children from a wide range of ages, backgrounds, and locations. I truly love kids of all ages and love working with them.

They still reached out and asked if I could cover 3 weeks, I said I could do two weeks and two days due to my schedule. My first day back I immediately regretted my choices. The kids have become some of the most disrespectful children I've ever worked with. In addition, they fight constantly.

They fight each other, and they argue with me over almost everything. Anything that the older kid wants to do, the younger one hates, and vice versa. We can’t do anything, go anywhere, or get any food without it turning into an epic battle. I feel like I’m constantly moderating fights that shouldn’t even be fights at their ages.

Second, they are disrespectful. They don’t care about their surroundings (this is clear by how they treat their home, bedrooms, and my car). They don’t care about other people’s feelings, they insult me, each other, and even strangers. When they don’t get their way, they resort to name calling and/or fr**king out.

Every single day I came to their house it was like walking into a battle zone. It stresses me out watching these two children MORE than it does to teach a classroom of 32 freshman with no co-teacher and 12 IEP’s. I knew at that point I had to be done.

Lastly, I think that the home environment contributes a lot to these behaviors. From what I've observed, they don't have any structure or routine.

They don't have chores or consistent consequences, they have essentially unlimited access to technology, and despite both kids struggling with anxiety, d**ression, and ADHD, I haven't seen them receiving therapy or other mental health support.

Their house is a complete disaster all the time, they rarely have food in the house that the kids will actually eat (both are extremely picky). The 13 year old frequently drinks Alani and does not eat a lot due to her medication, which is always a fight. Most days when I show up (at 10 AM mind you) they are in PJ’s, haven’t gotten ready for the day, no breakfast, no medicine.

Last summer I battled with whether or not to say anything, but I came to the decision that it’s not my place to tell them how to parent. So I lied. Now though, I want to say something at the end of summer about why I no longer want to watch them at all.

Realistically, I think I’d just like to sit down with the mom and tell her that I don’t enjoy coming over and seeing them anymore. They’re mean to me and never stop fighting and I just don’t want to spend my summers that way.

I don't expect them to become perfect kids, but after ten years I don't think I'm the right fit for this family anymore. So my overall question is WIBTA if I tell the parents why I really don’t want to come back, or should I just kind of ghost them slowly? Thank you.

Below, I have a list of some example behaviors. These weren't isolated incidents. This was all from my very first day back after not seeing them for eight months.

1.) Within 10 minutes of me coming over the younger one said “your forehead is so big I could take a ** on it” and then tried to measure my forehead with her fingers. I told her that wasn’t kind and that she wouldn’t make friends talking to people that way. She replied by saying “I already have a ton of friends, I don’t need to make more."

 

2.) Within 30 minutes of me being there, they were fighting each other in the grass because child A kept taking extra hits in Croquet and when child B took an extra hit, child A said that it didn’t count. Both child B and I pointed out that child A was being unfair and contradictory, which led to them fist fighting in the yard.

3.) Our task for the day was to get school supplies. Last year we did this too and it was a disaster, they both fought me on everything, went off the list, etc. Their mom ended up taking them back to the stores to return stuff because they got so much they didn’t need. With that in mind this year, I tried really hard to reason with them and stick to the list.

However, shortly after starting, I got in a fight with the older one because she wanted something different than what the list specified, and I said no multiple times. Eventually I raised my voice and said something like “since you won’t listen to me either way, just put it in the cart and I’ll let your mom know to return it like last year."

The younger one then ran away to a different aisle and made me search the store for her because “I was yelling and being mean."

4.) They fought about where to get lunch. They finally agreed on Qdoba. Both kids got their food before I did, took it off the counter and started eating before I even checked out. Then I went to go sit down and eat and they needed more milk, so I went back up to get some.

By the time I got back to the table they were both done eating (I hadn’t started) and I sat down. The older kid got up and said “alright I’ll wait in the car” and then we got into an argument in the middle of the Qdoba.

I asked her multiples times to just sit and wait in the restaurant for 5 minutes so I could eat but she refused and chose to stand outside on the sidewalk in 90° weather.

5.) The younger one and I were talking and she mentioned that she tried Taco Bell and hated it and I said “What! Taco Bell is so the best!” And she said “Oh, is that why you’re f*t?”

The commenters had this to say:

EmceeSuzy

I think it would be reasonable to say: Things were difficult this summer. Despite my training and experience, I'm not able to expect a basic level of respect or compliance from the kids. I think a change may help.

Tishers

NTA to just stop watching the kids. If the parents ask you for suggestions offer that they hire retired prison guards or wild animal tamers.

dhampir452

NTA to resign. No is a complete sentence. Simply tell them, in a diplomatic way, that you can not handle the fighting & disrespect any longer. So this you will no longer be able to nor available for them to use as nanny. I've got 2 teenagers myself. I can promise you the parents know about the issues. They are ignoring them.

My kids argue & whatnot. However they know there is a line we don't cross. The calling adults names is definitely one line that is a big no cross zone. Sounds like the kids need more time with their parents & less time with a sitter/nanny.

Public-Cheesecake270 - Original Poster

Thank you. From what I have heard from both children and observed myself, I don’t think the parents spent time with their children very often at all…

PDK112

YTA to yourself for agreeing to nanny for 2 weeks even after you decided to never do it again. No is a complete answer.

You are also letting the kids walk all over you. They can't behave while shopping? Leave the cart and take the kids home. Mom can take them later. They fight over where to eat? Then take them home. They fight playing games at home? No trips or activities unless they behave. They can sit their butts at home and be board.

If the parents complain, then what is the worst they can do? Fire you? They need you more than you need them. Let the parents deal with their little monsters or hire someone else.